I’m no lawyer, let alone a US lawyer, but can somebody explain how this isn’t a violation of the Computer Fraud and Abuse Act, which makes it a federal offense to intentionally access a “protected computer” without authorization or by exceeding authorized access?

See, this is what I like about the Internet: No matter how obscure, a subject matter expert is almost always right there.

Thanks, buddy.

I maintain that the definition of wrong is a function of the intended outcome. The former method is absolutely the correct approach for obtaining 2 dimensional horse-smoothies. And morbidly repainting the workshop.

Straight to the middle of his designated landing zone. As we all know, he’s a well prepared kitty.

That’s very sensible of you.

Oof. Although I’m sure some exist far closer to you, the trouble is, of course, that the Venn diagram of “places suitable for the purpose at hand” and “places diametrically opposed to advertising their existence” is practically is circle. These are not establishments that are meant to make money. They exist to be discovered by those that deserve to be in the know, bless them all.

My recommendation? Set aside an evening and obtain an intoxicant of your choice. Imbibe it, and just start walking. Whenever you’re confronted with a choice of which way to go, always pick the route less traveled or known to you. That simple algorithm will ensure you end up in places you might otherwise never have known, and, in my experience, that’s exactly the kind of nook or cranny you’re most likely to find the kind of place you’re looking for. It’s a certainty that’ll you’ll discover something interesting regardless. I’ve seldom if ever known this activity to be a waste of time.

Haha, yeah. But seriously.

A true classic. Right up there with biographies of Cantor and “Ignition!”.

I know some very suitable ones for that specific purpose, but none that are in my immediate area. Regardless, unless you happen to be situated in Copenhagen, I reckon you can find something closer than the lovely place at the corner of Enghave Plads.

There’s frequently some very good Dutch book auctions as well, but though the selection is good, those venues are much less ideal for a public trip. Too bright, too public, too crowded. This calls for getting lost in loosely piled stacks and meandering though the kind of place that’s grown organically to occupy an entire basement. Cramped, cozy and staffed only by the kind of proprietor who knows, but totally gets it. It’s not just tobacco in that pipe, I swear. Pretty sure there’s an L-space entrance in there somewhere too - I just haven’t found it yet.

While I happen to enjoy (good) coffee very much, I have to admit your alternative suggestions are superior. Taking a deep dive into a sizeable used book store on shrooms to look for obscure things sounds like a darn fine evening to me.

Dried (hallucinogenic) psilocybin mushrooms are often finely diced and ingested by brewing a “tea”. Honey can help with both taste - which isn’t great - and absorption rate.

“ICE reached out to both Mr. Bale and Mr. Bean in an attempt to address the current gun-fu deficit of the agency, but regrettably neither had any interest in the job.”

I think that’s illegal now too. Can’t have anything interfering with the glorious vision of a relentlessly productive citizenry that ideally slave away for the benefits of their owners until they die in the office chair at age 74 - right before qualifying for pension.

Well, except for the health “care” system. That’s an exception, but only because the only thing better than ruthless exploitation is diversified ruthless exploitation. Gotta keep the peons on their toes, lest they get uppity.

You know what really grinds my gears? This shitty dystopia completely eschews any potentially cool aspect of invasive exploitative authoritarianism. The (not so) secret police is patching together their own “uniforms” by browsing the bargain bins at the local tacti-cool mall-ninja outfitters. Where’s the black leather trench coats, stylish sunglasses worn after dark and slicked back hair? If they’re going to ask me for ‘ze papers’ all the time, the least they can do is look cool doing it, godamnit. At least get Hugo Boss to design your attire; that’s just about the only thing that worked out well for the last bunch of pricks.

I mean, where’s the towering brutalist architecture? Where’s my mandatory daily dose of SOMA? Or my idiotically wirelessly hackable cyberware? Hell, they can’t even do bread and circuses right anymore. The bread is CO2-pumped flour glue and the circuses is an endless stream of more Marvel projects and Disney violations of Star Wars.

And don’t get me started on the quality of our dictators these days. They sure don’t make them like they used to.

I’m suggesting they should refuse to use the services of companies that act like this.

…Well, you’ve got my vote.

That would be ideal of course, but this is the US we’re talking about, so it seems unlikely that you’ll have them.

“It can now drive its users straight into an active psychosis 35% faster by sounding more persuasive than ever before!”

Look, does it really matter whether they do or not? If a company is morally bankrupt enough to conduct business like this in the first place, it’s a certainty they’ll just find some other novel way to be flaming assholes.

If you don’t want to get cheated, stop doing business with thieves and liars.

For all that it is in truth far more terrifying, I freely admit that expressions like “Oh, in the name of False Vacuum Decay” just doesn’t land the same. It’s s shame, really. Modern scientific curses like “may all your Li-Ion batteries grow centimeter long dendrites in seconds” are much more fearsome than they immediately appear.

I mean, “may your tap water turn to dioxygen difluoride while you’re taking a shower” would make even Satan go, “okay, stop, just… Jesus, stop.”